in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
