I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
