I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize