His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
