Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
