his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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