I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
