I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
