i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
