She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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