I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
