All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
