The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
