8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
