i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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