I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
this just has baby written all over it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
