That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
