Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
