You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
