jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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