A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
