tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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