u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
