i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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