my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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