I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
