You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
