Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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