so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
