Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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