the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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