2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
