I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
