nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
