Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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