I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
