mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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