Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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