Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
