it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
