I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
