The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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