They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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