If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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