Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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