I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
