and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
