took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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