Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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