i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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