i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize