lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
