If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
