we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
