I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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