can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
