Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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