you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
