I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My vagina just clenched in fear
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