Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
