Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
