I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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