I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
