Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
