i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
