omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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